Finally, it’s “Emma Time.” If I do not write it down, I will surely shape myself into a spider and chew off someone’s “face.”
After more than a week of jungle travel, we reached Camp Vengeance – an ill-named place full of layabouts under the “command” of a lazy dwarf called Breakbeard or Firebone or some compound cliché.
Wouldn’t even let us inside their lame “palisade” until we agreed to find medicines for their Shivers and Mad Monkey Fever – and they call themselves soldiers. Since then, we’ve been wandering, searching, fighting – so much has happened that I can only provide “highlights.”
Day 9 – Saw a ginormous dinosaur, spotted a sneaky vegepygmy lurking around on his “thorny,” and more pterafolk slowed us down
Day 10 – Psychic bat-monkeys – wtf? And then we encountered Honest-to-Ubtau Zentarim bounty hunters! The one-eyed ginger human was super-scary – I almost fear-raged, but the promise of PROFIT for some Ardis Simber guy calmed me right back down. They told us to look for Snake at the Thundering Lizard Tavern if we had success. I feel like such a badass.
Day 11 – Apparently the jungle is sick with Batiri Goblins. I trip over one every time I turn around, then I have to kill it. Still a badass.
Day 12 – Badasses don’t get lost! So angry…
Day 13 – Found some cartographer’s tools made in Neverwinter. You find the coolest junk out here.
Day 14 – The vegepygmy was sneaking around us again – the discovery of tracks close to our path made me so grumpy that I didn’t notice the 8 grungs with blowguns and crappy daggers until their ambush attack.
Day 16 – In a clearing, surrounded by pagan offerings, we found “Vorn.” Just being around his Shieldy Guardian-ness made me a better Barbarian that day. Back to feeling my mojo.
Day 17 – Dammit – lost again!
Day 18 – Traveled in circles to find our path again – was soothed considerably when we got to camp near Vorn again.
Day 19 – Totally sucked. Our self-appointed “leader,” Lodak got dragged off by a Giant Anaconda and I got crawled by a bunch of virulent centipede swarms and contracted the Shivers myself. It was the worst! Everything got all blurry-looking and it felt like I couldn’t do anything right – and I second-guessed myself every time I tried to attack my foes.
Day 20 – We heard about the Batiri Goblin village called Yellyark – those jerks have been preying on innocent river travelers, sneaking around in their stupid masks, and have probably gathered up all of the herbs we’ve been bumbling around trying to locate. I hate them so much…
Day 21 – Some infuriating Circle of Cold with a bunch of dead guys in it. I miss Vorn.
Day 22 – We were checking out a potential clue when we got jumped by Assassin Vines. Would have been a non-event, but Cassio took a snoot full of crazy-spores and started acting all emo. For a whole day all he did was hide in the bushes and mutter to himself.
Day 23 – Maybe we’ve been in the jungle too long, Cassio developed an unhealthy and unnatural attachment to Wildfire Buick. Of course, Buick is all creeped out and can’t get away from Cassio fast enough. It would be funny if it wasn’t so awkward and slowing us down big time.
Day 25 – Found Yellyark (just had to follow the Goblin stink). One of those chumps told Lodak he was “anointed” and now he thinks he’s king of the world. To make matters worse, he’s picked up a lackey called Beetlepicker and started a relationship with goblin-queen Grubstab. Intolerable. At least the flexing and posturing got us the “Vorn-controller.” Maybe we aren’t that shitty of a team.
Day 26 – Lost again. There are no words.
Day 27 – Uneventful. At least we didn’t get lost – came dangerously close to some “Mad Monkey Mist” but I think we made some progress. Maybe.
Day 28 – Stupid Zent mercs were camped around Vorn all day! Hid in the bushes, seething, and watched them messing with it THE WRONG WAY. Ugh.
Day 29 – Zents were trying to build a travois in attempt to steal Vorn! Joke on them – we walked his metal ass right out of their camp, passed without a trace, and beat feet. Who’s the badass bounty hunter now, Ginger Eyepatch Guy?
Day 30 – To punctuate the end of our first month in the jungle, we found a dead, halfling explorer hanging from a tree. Sobering. Going to have to ponder the meaning of this – feels like an omen.